life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
