this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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