just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
