peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
