I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
