in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
