Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
