literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
