when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize