I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
