All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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