3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Are we still banned from the library?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
