he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
