two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
