My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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