i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
