the condom got lost in my hair
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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