I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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