how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
