Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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