There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
