I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I believe in your delicious
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
