i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
