make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
