He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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