I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
