Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
