I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
