I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
