between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
