Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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