Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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