she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We named our party play list daddy issues
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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