She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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