I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
