the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
