ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
