If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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