You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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