i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just high enough for therapy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
