Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
