We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
