i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
