remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.