I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.