I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
