Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize