Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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