So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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