Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
