I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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