how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
