There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He felt like a one man threesome
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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