There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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