Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
