you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
