My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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